(Author’s Note: This column was originally published in the Bismarck High School ‘Hi-Herald’ on April 20th, 1999. It was titled “Y2K Craze Incites Student to Build Bomb Shelter”. I was only 17 when I wrote this.)
I recently became the proud owner of a bunker. It’s nothing all that special. Just four reinforced steel walls, a plank iron ceiling, and wall-to-wall lime green shag carpet.
Why, you may be asking, would a person need a bunker? You see, I am preparing for the millennium and the ensuing societal collapse, a side effect of the Y2K bug, which will more than likely be the end to all civilization.
Riots will begin. Governments will fall. The populace will take up arms. I won’t be taking any chances. Don’t expect your run-of-the-mill revolution here, people. This will be an all-out collapse. I’m gonna be ready for it, too. Just me, my bunker, and my Browning 12.7mm M2 machine gun.
In elementary school I learned that Benjamin Franklin invented the wood burning stove in 1741. I also learned that sun scientists were busy working on harnessing solar energy to power and heat our homes. This was the future, at least according to sun scientists in the 1980s. It sounded promising.
But today, of the 132 million homes in the U.S., only 40,000 are heated using solar energy. To put that into perspective, there are still 2.3 million American households using one of Ben Franklin’s two-century-old wood burning stoves.
The future was supposed to be all solar powered houses and flying cars, right? But how is it that hermits, hill people and the Amish now outnumber tech-savvy, sun-loving hippies by a margin of 57 to 1? How did the sun scientists get it so wrong? Keep reading…
You’ve decided to shave your head. Good for you! Here’s some practical advice before you begin. I’ve been shaving my head almost daily since 2005. I am an expert at shaving my head. The first step to becoming an expert at shaving your head is knowing when NOT to shave your head. Do you have a family picture coming up? Are you drunk or high? Maybe now is not the time to shave your head. Shaving your head isn’t exactly temporary.
Don’t just shave your head with any old razor unless you want the worst razor burn you’ve ever had in your life. Picture how a full-head razor burn is going to feel on flannel sheets. Here’s how to avoid it. Keeping reading…
I had a cold recently and I was pretty sure I was going to die. I decided to dedicate my life to finding a way to live forever. Also, drinking cough syrup with a straw is a great way to learn the secret to eternal life.
I learned that the secret to living forever is never dying. Which sounds easy and should be possible. You may still die, but trying not to die is still the only scientifically proven method of not dying.
If you want to live forever, here are some simple steps to prevent yourself from dying:
Don’t take life too seriously. Stress is the silent killer. Rattlesnakes with kazoos are the noisy killers and, while interesting to look at, they should be avoided.
Just don’t get sick. Modern medicine can do some pretty amazing stuff, like put pig hearts in people and grow ears on mice. But modern medicine spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to give depressed people boners, and unless the cure for arthritis, autism or acne is found in cancer cells your best bet is to just not get sick.
Limit yourself to only three tubes of cookie dough a week. Eating that much uncooked dough is not very safe, so consider taking up baking if you plan to eat more than that.
Fashion is “in” this year and everyone is doing it! From colors to accessories, fashion will change the way you dress forever. This guide will help you stay trendy and on the cutting edge of fashion.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates that the average consumer spends around $1,700 on clothing and apparel each year, a small percentage of which is fashionable. Boutiques and retail stores have taken note of this trend and now sell a wide range of fashion for every consumer.
Thank goodness, the January 2013 State Farm Insurance goodneighborEXTRA email newsletter arrived when it did. I never realized just how susceptible I was to smishing.
Smishing, short for SMS phishing, is where a scammer sends unsolicited text messages to your smartphone to get you to reveal important information about yourself, like that your ATM PIN number is 7618 or that the answer to just about all of your security questions is ‘YOURMOM’. All caps, one word.
Sometime in the late 90s I read an article in an issue of Wired magazine that said mp3 music players were the next big thing. Pre-iPod, the very notion that the CD cases in my poorly constructed CD case display tower could possibly fit on a device the size of a Walkman was absurd.
Yesterday, using only a wireless Internet connection, I downloaded all three Back to the Future movies from an online digital content distributor directly to my personal handheld tablet device, all while brushing my teeth.
The future of teeth brushing is awesome! Happy 2013!
I really wanted to hate the LEGO Super Heroes Arctic Batman vs Mr Freeze set. When I was growing up I used to collect and play with Batman action figures. There were a quite a few Batman movies during my childhood so I also owned many variations of the Batman action figure. When a Batman action figure product line was about to go away and be replaced with a new product line, inevitably the time would come for an Arctic Batman action figure. Batman would always be wearing some variation of a blue or white costume and I truly hated these Arctic Batmen. But I had to have them all, because they were so bad they were good, and that is what Batman means to me.
This is one of those Arctic Batmen and I hate it so much I love it.