I had a cold recently and I was pretty sure I was going to die. I decided to dedicate my life to finding a way to live forever. Also, drinking cough syrup with a straw is a great way to learn the secret to eternal life.
I learned that the secret to living forever is never dying. Which sounds easy and should be possible. You may still die, but trying not to die is still the only scientifically proven method of not dying.
If you want to live forever, here are some simple steps to prevent yourself from dying:
- Don’t take life too seriously. Stress is the silent killer. Rattlesnakes with kazoos are the noisy killers and, while interesting to look at, they should be avoided.
- Just don’t get sick. Modern medicine can do some pretty amazing stuff, like put pig hearts in people and grow ears on mice. But modern medicine spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to give depressed people boners, and unless the cure for arthritis, autism or acne is found in cancer cells your best bet is to just not get sick.
- Limit yourself to only three tubes of cookie dough a week. Eating that much uncooked dough is not very safe, so consider taking up baking if you plan to eat more than that.
- Question the use of electronics in the bathroom. Just because something is waterproof doesn’t mean it needs to be taken into a shower. Nothing good can come from trimming your body hair while listening to NPR in the bathtub.
- Always light fires at arms length from your head. You are combustible and so is your head. Your face and brain are part of your head and that’s a very important part of your body.
- Visit an old timey cemetery, the kind where they listed the causes of death on the tombstones. Read all the tombstones and don’t do any of that stuff. It depends largely on your lifestyle, but I’ve found it fairly easy to avoid cholera and cattle rustlers.
- -Never say the words “Look what I can do!” Because you probably can’t.
- -Never participate in a zombie pub crawl or other zombie-themed flashmob event. The public is now well aware that the only way to kill a zombie is with a blow to the head, so you’re just asking for it. Again, protect the head.
- -If someone is pointing a gun at you, do not antagonize them. No matter how witty or heroic you think you’re about to be, just remember that there’s a gun pointed at you. How did you get into this situation anyway? Just avoid situations where people point guns at you.
- -Never jump anything while riding a motorcycle. That’s not what motorcycles are for and probably not a very intelligent use of buses, casinos or the Grand Canyon either. On second thought, none of these things are OK.
- -Never tell anyone how delicious you are when paired with wine. Not to sound paranoid, but do you really know for sure that none of your friends are cannibals.
- -Don’t hold your breath for too long. It’s less of a skill and more of a symptom of being dead.
- -Wear a hat. Presidents have died from not wearing hats, so don’t think you’re so special.
- -Take vitamins. They’re an excellent alternative to basic nutrition.
- -Don’t make enemies. Inevitably they will try to have you killed and you will have to kill them. No one wants that. If you have enemies, kill them first.
- -Read things printed on packages. Reading things like health warnings, drug interactions and expiration dates is a great way to keep yourself from getting sick, and ultimately dying.
- -Wear a bike helmet. All the time.
- -Never attempt to fight an animal you find in the wild. Again, this may sound obvious, but we’ve all had a friend get super high and try to fight a deer. The deer kicked the shit out of your friend, didn’t he? No fighting wildlife.
- -Drink more fluids, specifically water. Water is an excellent source of fluids.
- -If you are related to a super hero, best to keep that to yourself. It might seem cool to tell people that you’re Aquaman’s nephew, but super villains are notorious for targeting loved ones as a psychological power move.
- -Don’t eat mushrooms you find in the wild. You don’t know anything about mushrooms, do you? Some mushrooms are delicious, some get you high and some just kill you. Consult a trained mushroom professional before eating any mushrooms.
- -Never make elephants noises at an Australian. I’m actually not sure why this is, but I’d recommend you avoid it. Things got hostile.